Hiding My Cards

Previously, (on Hussey Notes dot com) I wrote in The Fuck Boy Cycle, that “admitting love reads desperate for the woman and scares away the man”.  The phrase “cards out on the table” has been repeating itself in my head relative to various aspects of my every day life, but primarily in relationships.  I’ve been hearing more stories from my fellow Hussies in response to The Cycle article since Thought Catalog posted it.  Prompting me to dive into this from a different angle, in attempt to gain new perspective on this issue some women repeatedly encounter.  I pondered over an idea, that how you go into your first or second date is how you set yourself up to be viewed and treated.  Now because I have no shame, I will use my personal experiences as examples.  

First is Mr. Swipe, the smart, hilarious, successful man whom I really liked.  But when I asked for exclusivity I was left lone soldier on the island as he sailed ship.  When we first met, I wasn’t honest with myself about what I wanted from a man or potential relationship.  So I sauntered in way too casual and had no expectations for how I needed to be treated.  I set the bar low and didn’t ask for much, so how easy it was for him to live up to these low expectations as I kept coming back.  Soon enough I was labelled as “super chill” and had dug myself into a hole, only to realize that he would never take me seriously.  I liked that he wanted me around and didn’t want to turn from a cool girl into that needy girl.  The discussion of exclusivity finally came up and his answer was exactly what I expected; he did not want a girlfriend and was still dating other people.  Ouch.  I urged myself to think back to when we first met.  He had laid his cards out on the table by point blank telling me he wanted casual, not serious because he was fresh from a relationship.  We dated for four months but it only took me one to realize that I wanted something serious with him.  In the back of my mind I assured myself that after we had been dating me for so long, he would surely change his mind and regard me as an absolute rad ass girlfriend.  Despite all my efforts for recognition, I ended our liaison to be left feeling taken advantage of and quite honestly, lonely.  I was angry with my behavior because I didn’t listen to my instincts or take charge of what I wanted.  

I told myself that the next time I met someone I wanted to date seriously, I would not be shy about it from the beginning.  Enter the extremely interesting, cute, funny guy I had met through work and whom made the effort to come join me for a casual drink in my hood one night.  On our second date I knew that I felt something for him because my butterflies woke up causing me to be simultaneously nervous and giddy.  Over the course of the evening I conjured up the courage to tell him exactly how I felt.  I laid my cards out on the table by saying, “I like you and would like to continue seeing you, hopefully you feel the same way, but I only date exclusively.”  Without hesitation he agreed with me.  

After experimenting with both relationship dynamics, I noticed major differences that influenced my energy and character.  One is my comfortability levels and being relaxed in public alongside my date.  With Mr. Swipe, I felt like his side chick because I couldn’t help but think of the other women.  I wasn’t comfortable in my skin as I knew I wasn’t being treated in the way I deserved.  I am a very affectionate woman and to not have the freedom to hold my man’s hand or give him a quick kiss while out made me feel restricted.  When he wouldn’t touch me or introduce me as his girl I felt unimportant.  I became quiet, and neglected conversations with others because I had entered the environment already not true to myself which affected my confidence.  Whereas with the new Mister, I would meet him out and he would greet me with a kiss on the face and walk me in proudly, introducing me to everyone.  My sense of humor was appreciated, I conversed with the gang and didn’t have to think about my answer when someone asked how I met him.  Mr. Swipe didn’t participate in my life or really want to, it was always me coming into his.  The new boo wanted to join ours together by involving our friends, interests, supporting my endeavors and contributing to them.  

The issue most women have with laying everything out on the table, is the risk factor attached to it.  Showing my hand made me feel vulnerable because I became transparent.  I have this image in my head of holding my cards in front of my chest with my poker face on, while debating to hide and fold or be all in.  Exposing the royal flush of hearts in my hands. When you tell a man after two or three dates that you need exclusivity, there is a higher chance that he will fold, mumbling, “I’m not looking for anything serious”.  Sometimes we settle for dating a person even if they are not on the same level, in order to avoid being alone.  It is totally understandable and I think we have all been there at some point.  Being a single, career driven, hustling woman is exhausting and you crave affection and attention from a man.  But I’ve learned that the emotional stress of being in a relationship that has no possible future is way too distracting and isn’t worth the time of a true Hussey.  I personally felt my confidence drop, my walls go up to protect my heart and imagination close off artistically.  Probably the most apparent distraction was when my ritualistic daily moments of silence to let my mind wander and create was replaced with day dreaming scenarios in which Buddy changed his mind to chase me or I would flip my hair while telling him to piss off.  My judgement became clouded and my energy or aura sunk.  But I am a freelance, self employed artist which means I have zero time to settle and allow such pointless distractions.  It is blatantly more beneficial to you as a worthy woman staying single and focused rather than hiding your cards with a poker face to a man who won’t benefit your fabulous life.  

I asked myself this question… Do you want to be that girl that is one of a few, over and over again?  Or do you want to be the woman that is the main focus with an appreciative man that has a potential future?  It is hard to admit love to yourself, but be honest.  Ask and you shall receive.  Be upfront with what you expect and desire from a man by exposing your truth, your hand, he just might up your ante.