My Thighs Touch.
As a hussy in my mid-twenties, I take every opportunity that the universe throws at me. She shows me avenues that I joyfully skip along and hills that I trudge up. She presents to me people along the way that will take me by the hand either skipping forwards or holding back. One obstacle that has been in my way since the age of thirteen has been the perception of my physical body. But the past couple of years this obstacle was growing so big it dawned on me that my journey was at a standstill. If I didn't knock down this wall then I would be stuck on the boring side.
The reason I am writing this, is with the hope that some other bad ass hussy will read it and it will help her realize she's being ridiculous. Through all the social media, magazines, fashion and lifestyle sites, we as the female community are often given this image that being super thin leads to a happy life of beaches and vacations. That if your thighs touch, you really can't shop for all those cute outfits you find on Pinterest. Well, the day I accepted that my thighs would always touch was the day that mother f*ck!ing wall collapsed and I grew into my five foot nine inch frame. Why I finally karate kicked was due to a culmination of little break throughs.
The fittest I have been my entire life was last year and I still looked in the mirror every day pinching myself and criticizing my body. Six months later I was filming a movie in Italy and eating all the pizza I could get my paws on, obviously. When I got home, I wished I was as thin as I had been the few months back and then tormented myself for being so miserable and wasting it!
I was in a serious drama school and my teacher relentlessly told me to take the pressure off of myself otherwise I would never grow as an actor and artist, perfection is not an attainable goal. Outside of the classroom that pressure regarded my weight and figure because my theory was I could only be a successful actor if I was the perfect size, (inaccurate, by the way). I was studying and living in Paris when I fell for a poetic, smoking, red wine drinking french boy. Over a bottle of Bordeaux one night, I spoke out loud about my long time insecurity with my size. He reacted by setting down his wine and taking off his glasses. He took my hand in his, stared right into my eyes and spoke with his delicious French accent, "You should never, ever feel this way. Get rid of that right now. And if you ever need a reminder, come to me and I will show you with my hands how much I love your body." D'accord.
I'm not finishing this post with a statement about a man changing my mind. It's that the result of me opening up to him lead me to another small breakthrough. I recapped my previous relationships and concluded that none of my ex's ever made a comment about me being to big. All of the criticism came from my own neurotic imagination! The accumulated time I had wasted standing in front of the mirror and reading articles about "Foods to flatten your belly". Manifested negative energy. I probably could have read the entire Harry Potter series again and learned a third language in that time.
My mother once walked into my room while I was standing in front of my closet, crying. I had tried on just about everything I owned and broke down because of the frustration. Hating myself for allowing my self esteem to reach such a low point, being so uncomfortable in my skin I couldn't even get dressed to go for dinner with my mother. She gave me a huge hug and sighed, "Beauty is wasted on the youth because they just never appreciate it." I looked at my mother, who is an absolute stunner, and let that statement sink into my hard head. Because she is absolutely right.
There are so many more important things going on in the world than a 26 year olds issue with her thighs that touch. My life, my career, my relationships, psyche, happiness, my loved ones. Those are the most important things! My health is important, but mental health is a direct contributor to my physical health. If I'm anxious or angry at myself, my eating pattern is thrown, I can't sleep, my stress hormones go through the roof and my body reacts negatively.
It took a few good years, but I am so content with this place of allowing my body to be how it wants to. Genes play a big part in this, ladies! We are all gorgeous beings, with different genetic codes. A woman's body is so much more powerful than we ever give it credit for. My life has taken me in so many different directions, to heartache, successes, travels and wild experiences. So let's work together to lift each other up and support those who need it. I needed it. But now that I am standing confidently in my thigh high boots, I am here for who ever else needs the nudge.
